Spent the last couple of days being really down. I know all the tricks and gimmicks. I kept doing the things that I know eventually will bring me out of this funk. But last night, I didn’t want to even look at my computer.
Surprise, surprise, this morning the power was out. So, no computer, no water for shower, no emails to check, no way, except for my cell, to talk to anyone. What was amazing to me was that it was exactly what I needed to do: UNPLUG.
There is so much on the news, I’m just not participating. I do care deeply. I want justice for whomever did the deadly bombing. I want God to tell me why this had to happen. I just wasn’t in a very grateful state of mind. My spiritual side was on empty. I’d just spent a couple of days being high as a kite, imagining the possibilities, and now I’m feeling silly for having ever been so happy.
Which of course is silly. Life goes on. I will never know the answers to all of the things that occur, all the curve balls that are thrown at me. God has a sick sense of humor, sometimes.
A couple of my children and grandchildren are going through some heavy times these days. God, I think that hurts more than if it was happening to me. As my good friend says, “I get my Wonder Woman wristbands and repel the shots.” I can handle things that come at me. When they involve one of my kids, or my family, that’s when it hurts the most.
Now I’m missing my dad. I’m wishing I could trade places, fix the problems, wave my magic wand, make the Happily Ever After come to real life, rather than in my stories. Somehow, it seems counterintuitive to write about romance when I’m sad.
But, I’m going to mine it. Deep. Hard. Raw. I’m going to feel it and not run away from it. In the circle of life, the cycle of life, death and all things in between, is the miracle of just being present to the world. I’m going to stay right in the middle, instead of at the outsides, running away, where all the predators pick off the strays.
And I know life will, in fact, find a way. The miracles are still here. I’m just distracted. In the meantime, I live in faith and hope for a brighter day, and some understanding of why it had to happen this way.
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